Strength in a Husband's Love

Love is a sign of weakness and also a sign of vulnerability. According to whom you might ask? My answer would be culture and the world's views. How can you show your strength in your marriage by simply loving? How can you effectively lead your wife if you are perceived as weak and powerless? I get it men because I was there and I lived in my marriage according to this mindset and all it did was fail. In fact, I almost failed it twice.

Do you recall when you first felt love for your wife? The moment may have come after your first kiss or maybe after realizing you couldn't live without her for another day. The words came out of your mouth, I Love You, and something like a fire was born inside of you. A desire and passion was now alive in your heart and all you wanted was more of this love. But as time passed, the passion may have faded or the feeling of being weak in this love arose inside of you. Why? I finally realized that my personal problem was my sources and, quite frankly, you could also have the same source problem.

Since the culture and this world couldn't give me that answers I needed, I decided that I must look for answers in other places. My new source became a source I had known for my entire life, but I had never given him an honest chance. The name of this source is Jesus.

Men, please don't click off this page or doubt my words, you must remember at this point that all other options have been exhausted as they were for me, that maybe you are not happy in your marriage or you just want to make your marriage stronger.


Where is your Bible? Find it and start with the Book of Ephesians. Ephesians 5:25 states, "husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for it". Ephesians 5:28 states, "so ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife, loves himself". Jesus Christ showed us the ultimate example of love when he sacrificed his own body for us. He was willing to put aside his pride, to set aside his doubt and fear, and allow God to do as needed with him. Are you willing to do this in your marriage?

How often do we put our pride in the way of our marriage or our love for our wives? How much are we willing to sacrifice in order to show her the love she needs? How many times have we embarrassed our wives in order to make us or our friends look good? How can we continue to do this men? We must rely on the proper source.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 4-7)

Men, I pray that whatever stage your marriage is in or is headed that you keep the emotion of Love alive! Love almost always requires us to do things that are out of our "normal" nature, but in the end we will come away stronger and a better man and husband. You may not believe me now, but if you're man enough to give Christ a chance, I know you will not regret it. Do not wait another day to love your wife differently, to engage her faithfully and to seek God daily for guidance and direction. You can do it.


As I am a young man on the topic of love, please feel free to share your thoughts or actual events that have confirmed the strength of love in your marriage!

5 Tones of A Husband

Before my wife and I got married, we dated for about six years. Overall we had good communication, but we still had our issues here and there. After a few years of dating, we were hanging out at a little fair one night and our communication started to fail and the night started to get real sour, real quick. As she shut down more and more, I wondered what in the world I was going to do. Do I shut down? Do we call it a night and try to forget about this night ever happened? What do I do?

It was late and the night was already at its end, but I wanted to make her feel better somehow. We sat down on a lonely bench and didn't speak. I had won her a small, stuffed animal frog from a game earlier in the night; when things were going a little smoother of course. I'm not sure how it came to me, but I grabbed the frog and started speaking in a really cute, high pitched voice. I used the stuffed frog as the "decoy" and used this voice as my weapon of choice. After a few minutes of talking in this funny voice, she slowly started to smile. With a "win" in sight, I continued to pursue her. Within another few minutes she was laughing, the frog was a success and the voice became a favorite. God was truly looking out for me that night.

To this very day, almost 10 years later, I still use this voice as a way to make my wife laugh and win her over in "sketchy" situations. I'm not sure where the frog ended up though...


The main point is that we all have a tone. There are various tones that we can use to make each other happy, sad or angry. As your marriage progresses in years, these tones and our attitudes should mature so that we know when to use certain ones and when not to use others. With this in mind, I thought I would break down a Husband's tone into five categories. Feel free to add your own type of tones that has worked or not worked in your marriage in the comments.


Here are the 5 Tones of a Husband

The Regular
We know this voice as our "regular" voice. This is the tone that most people know us best by, the one you use the most and the one your wife probably likes the best. What do I mean "likes the best"? I can tell you that in any situation that requires a real discussion, my wife hates to hear me use any voice other then my regular tone. She doesn't want me to be funny, she doesn't need sarcasm, she wants the real me. Most of the time I will try the funny tone, but I will be quickly told, "I'm being serious"! I make the switch back quickly.

Remember that your regular Tone is the best extension of who you are; it is the most sincere, it is the most honest and it is the most trustworthy. Since we tend to use it the most, we must make sure we use it properly and protect its rights. Would you agree that your "regular tone" is your wife's favorite?
These are important points to remember as we start to explore the other tone options.

The Funny
This tone goes back to the story at the top of this post. I never planned on having this tone in my playbook, but God had other plans. I love to use this tone around my wife when we are messing around, having fun or if I get caught doing something stupid. This voice is a great way to get you out of sticky situations; at least it has been for me.

The real trick with this tone is confidence. Besides pulling this voice out for the occasional family member, this voice is specifically meant for my wife; although, I can see my four month old enjoying it in the near future. Don't be embarrassed when using this tone around her. This tone is meant to lighten up situations, to create some laughter in the marriage and keep you and your wife happy. Happy wife, happy life. Right gentlemen?

The Whisper
I call this the "whisper", but this can also be your soft tone. This tone is most often seen and used when your wife is having a bad day, when you walk up behind her and tell her how much you love her and of course in "intimate" moments. This is another tone that may require some confidence and experience. This tone most likely will pass on the feelings of love to your wife. Expressing LOVE to your wife in your tone is very important in your marriage relationship. She needs to hear this tone and the feelings that come from you along with it.

Men, don't be afraid to use this! There are numerous opportunities to use this tone, with these being a few of them. Get home from work, walk in the door, wrap your arms around her and whisper how much you love her. She prepped dinner for you, you ate it, you walk up behind her and tell her softly how much you loved the food and appreciate the effort she put into it. These are just a few quick ideas; I'll leave you to figure out more... The trick is softer than your regular tone, and more serious than your funny tone. Is the whisper tone in your arsenal?

The Angry
Yes, the angry tone. I would vouch to say that all men have this tone and are unfortunately quite good at using it. The question is do we know how to handle and maintain this tone? Upon first getting married, my wife and I found ourselves amongst a few heated battles. I had very little idea of how much damage my angry tone could affect her. The tone has a much deeper growl, usually followed up with intense eye and eyebrow action, and firm body language. This is far, far from the whisper tone and does not speak love.

This tone really doesn't take much confidence to pull off; in fact it's probably easy for you to do. Maybe, too easy. This one on the other hand takes maturity and self control. A man needs to learn what his trigger points are and discuss these points with his wife. It will also help if the wife doesn't intentionally set off those points. When these heavier emotions and tones are shifted into high hear, a man needs to quickly learn to gain control and tone down the situation. Realize that the REGULAR tone may be better suited until the situation can get under control. Are you able to control your angry tone?

The Silent
Yes, I titled this last tone as the "silent" tone. It's amazing that the worst tone a man could possibly use in marriage is, well, no tone at all. In a sense, this tone is a step above the "angry". This tone tends to come into play when a husband feels ultimately disrespected and no longer thinks his words matter in the situation. What tends to come from this? More silence. A husband could take this tone and go for days and days without speaking to his wife in any way or legitimate form. Sure hi's and bye's make it, but the depth is gone. This tone can be just damaging to a marriage, when just a real conversation in your regular tone could start the process of resolution.

I struggled with this tone a ton early in my marriage. I would do something wrong, my wife and I would go at it; I would bite my lip and listen. After my lip was sore and the conversation moved nowhere, I'd enter into silent mode and be stuck there for weeks. Men, this is not resolution and accomplishes nothing. Man up, speak up and lead your marriage to resolution. Can you relate to the Silent tone?


The 5 Tones of a Husband. What do you think?

Can you relate to each of these tones in your marriage? 

Share another tone or a situation in your own marriage!

photo credit: © itestro - Fotolia.com

stand up and LEAD!

"YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!"

These were my final words at the end of my plea to my buddy sitting reluctantly in front of me. When your conversations have to take place in a small cafe; your words are only allowed to get so loud. I raised my arms up and put my hands behind my head. He lowered his head to his lap and put it in his hands. His marriage was on the verge of disaster and all he could do was sit there...

Hit rewind and go back 3 days.

My buddy proceeds to tell me over the phone that he is done with his young marriage of only a year and a half. I listened patiently on the other end of the line, well aware that this was a familiar call from him time to time. This time was different though, this time he actually sounded like he was finished. Hearing the reality in his tone, I told him that it was time we took things to the next level and meet up. He agreed, finally, to meet up and discuss all the issues. I prayed hard and prepared myself for battle.

Before reaching the almost verdict stated earlier above, we discussed a variety topics and ideas on how and why to save his marriage. He wasn't really interested, but he was respectful enough to hear me out and listen to what I had to say to him. Here are 3 things to review before signing on the dark black line of divorce.

• Review the Background Information: After grabbing a quick snack for the long journey of discussion ahead of us, we settled down at a table and I asked him to tell me about the past. Without hesitation he started out with the word "SHE". Quite frankly, it was "her this" and "her that". I listened to him quietly, doing my best to keep the half smile off of my face. "She never does anything I want or ask her to do." "She never treats me with respect." "She never lets me finish what I'm saying before she jumps in with her own opinion." This went on for a while until I finally stopped him and told him we were going to switch gears.

• Remove Her and Focus on Him: Frustrated from all of the past discussion about her failures in the relationship, I asked him a different question. I asked him what he was contributing to the relationship and to keep what she was doing out of it. There was a pause, a long pause and a distant look in his eyes. I could tell that this was new territory for him. He started out with the word "she" again, and I stopped him in his tracks. I had a half laugh and said NO, what are YOU doing in the relationship? I asked him what he was doing special for her or what he did to help her out. I asked him if he had ever talked to her about all of the issues he was going through. Among a few quick excuses, I continued with my thought and went to the next important point. 

• Resolve to Change You! Not Her... I went on to tell him that I was once told that I am only capable of changing myself; I can really never change anyone else. I can't force anyone to do anything. The only real person I can control is myself. He nodded in agreement, and tried to insert a "but", but I held him off. "Do you love her?" He replied, "yes". "Do you want to stay with her?" He replied, "yes". "Are you willing to do whatever it takes and make some changes in your life?" He again replied, "yes". This is where you insert the statement, "You don't have a choice". I told him to pull his head up and take the lead in his marriage! Talk to her about the issues. Talk to her about the past and seek resolution! Make an effort to keep what you wanted so badly in the past rather than taking the easy route by signing the papers. Don't make divorce a choice and you won't look at it as a choice. The change in you will affect her in many ways and your leadership could bring the marriage back to having a solid foundation! Stand up and LEAD!

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I am fully aware that this scenario will not work in all marriage situations; 

 but my advice to every man on the edge is to give 
every effort before giving in to the papers. 

Men need to know that there is hope in marriage and in the future of marriage.

 I'd love to hear your story or thoughts in the comments below!

Engine on, Car in Gear, JUST DRIVE!

Frustrated, tired, bitter and angry; I got up from the couch, grabbed my keys and headed out the door. My wife left on the couch crying, screaming or whatever.

Engine on, car in gear, just drive... (far away)

This was my "solution"; this was my way out. Spinning conversations about the same issues, and the same problems that we fought about every month were just not tolerable anymore. I would stare out the front windshield with intensity, wondering why I ever got married. The thought of her pain or what she was still doing was far from my care or mind. I didn't even know where I was headed; I just wanted to get away. Some solution.

If this scenario sounds familiar in your marriage, you're not alone brothers; it use to be common or better yet habitual in my marriage. Thankfully this doesn't take place in my marriage anymore, but it was the way of communication early on. This was never discussed in my pre-marriage classes and I honestly knew no better.

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Typically ignited by something miniscule or just plain stupid, issues can erupt in our marriages in a matter of minutes. Away from the marriage we call this behavior pride and selfishness. Before having a place together and having the "joy" of seeing each other on a daily basis, these types of fights were dismissed or you could just simply head back to your place and wait out the bitterness. Although now you have to face them head on, you have to face them together. The long and far drive in the heat of the moment was never, and still is never, the answer.

Engine off, car in park, walk back in... (and stay)

Before you say I do, just after you say "I do" or if this type fight happened last night. Make it a point to talk about communication in your marriage with your wife. This is best done over a nice meal or on a calm walk one day. Be the leader gentlemen; gas is too expensive to take off on long, middle of the night drives all the time. But seriously gents, take the initiative in your marriage to figure out how to communicate. 

1. Quit pointing fingers at each other and look at yourself first.
2. Listen to what each other has to say and interpret back immediately!
3. We speak in blue, she speaks in pink. Learn what I mean HERE.
4. Learn to work together, not AGAINST each other.
5. Be the SPIRITUAL LEADER and pray together over your marriage!

Marriage is awesome and can be awesome again if you want it to be. I'd love to hear about your "long midnight drive" experience or something similar in the comments below. Men need to know and hear that the hard times in marriage are common, but there are bright lights at the end of the tunnels. 

TUNGSTEN

First discovered in 1781 and finally perfected in 1783, tungsten became a material much stronger than your average steel. Despite its strong characteristics, it didn't play a major role until World War II. Its robust nature and very high melting point made it key in the arms business back then. Tungsten has also been called "heavy stone" and can also be called "wolframite". Just from those two optional names make it sound quite strong. Its modern day uses are a little more widespread though. Tungsten can be found in light bulbs, heating elements, rocket engines and on my finger.

As my wife were anticipating our big day (marriage). We, like all other couples, had to find our perfect rings. I had never really thought it was a big deal to find "the right ring". I figured it could be something that was simple and not flashy (my wife would agree that that is my overall style). No jewels, nothing shiny, just simple. I looked around without much effort and my fiancée (now wife) mentioned getting a ring made of tungsten. It sounded expensive, but I took it into consideration. She told me that the advantage with tungsten was it would not scratch. She also told me that if it something happened and they needed the ring off, they might have to take my entire finger. But, like any good man would, I avoided that point. My work involved using tools and handling materials on a daily basis, and the last thing I wanted was for my "investment" (ring) to get damaged only after a few years of use. I agreed on the tungsten, not flashy of course, and we made the purchase. I would go into her ring process, but I don't have the space :)

Why does all of this matter? A ring is on your finger to make a statement. In my case, it says "I'm married, so hands off", or something like that. I think most men wear them because it is a part of the process. But women wear them for much different reasons. There's is a very BOLD statement and they love it. When I look at my ring that I have been wearing for over six years now, I am amazed at how strong it is and how great it still looks. Tungsten is the real deal. Tungsten reminds me of myself and my marriage. The very, very minor surface marks are there from the years, but it still looks great. Life is full of "surface scratches", but we must march forward. We must have the weight of a "heavy stone" to not give in to the pressures. And we must have the tenacity of a "wolf" to make it past some of life's battles. When I look at my tungsten ring, I know that it is around for the long haul. It's not going to get heavy damage. It's not going to scratch easily. I want to be a Man of Tungsten for my God, my marriage and myself. The reminder is always there and I look forward to growing old with it by my side.

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Ring Credit: This ring can be found at SavoryStone.com. A great gift idea for the man in your life.

A Husband Cleaves

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, 
and shall CLEAVE unto his wife: 

and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

This is an interesting topic for today's culture. First of all, the word cleave is not a common word anymore therefore is not very well known. The Bible refers to this word in two different forms, which are to separate or to join. I thought this was an interesting pairing, but learned that they kind of work together. Some other similar words are: unite, draw together, joined or glued. This idea of cleaving was brought up in the first book of the Old Testament, but it was also brought up again in the first book of the New Testament. Mathew 19 reads; "at the beginning God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his Father and Mother and be UNITED to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. They are no longer two, but one. What God has joined together, let no man separate."

Where to start? Being a man in my late twenties, I have seen the breakdown of the twenty something male. I have men in my family and know friends that seem to be forever in their teens. They depend on Mom and Dad to support them, house them and feed them. Most parents appear to have no problem with this because it is happening more and more. The problem is the boy never becomes, a man. He becomes so dependent on his parents that he does not grow up, he does not mature and he does not become "husband" material. 

My personal experience occurred in my own marriage. I had, and still have, a great relationship with my mother. One of the things that helped me was that I moved away from home for college and moved farther away from home after college. I got married shortly after college and moved in with my lovely wife. I didn't understand why there was this underground tension between my wife and my mother. Every time my mother called or needed something I would jump on it. I thought this was of no issue, but my wife always had an issue with these occurrences. This would inevitably cause a fight to break out and things would go down hill from there. I didn't understand why this kept happening. Don't get me wrong, you should maintain a healthy relationship with your mother, but you are now a married man and your responsibility is now to be aimed at your wife. She is the one you need to start to confide in; she is the one you need to talk to things about and she is the one who needs to learn to support you. I had to learn this early on in my marriage and I'm glad that I did, because it saved our marriage a lot of heartache. When I heard the verses above and really understood the meaning of them, it changed the way I treat my mother and my wife. It changed my marriage. 

Ultimately this idea applies to both partners. Both spouses need to get use to the idea of depending on each other rather than their parents. This is not the easiest thing to accomplish, especially early on in marriage, but is absolutely essential. It will teach you and your spouse work out issues together, make big decisions together and make you a stronger couple.  

Are you willing to be a husband or wife that cleaves?

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This post was also featured at
'HeartstoneJourney.com'! 

A Husband's Struggle

A husband loves.

A husband serves.

A husband protects.

A husband is selfless.

A husband watches his eyes.

A husband struggles?

In my journey to become a better man and greater husband, there are still struggles along the way. I have to say though; I would rather slightly struggle in my walk with God, than struggle in life without him. Before I asked God to truly be in my life and in my marriage, life was hard. It was confusing, challenging and a constant battle. Not to say that life is easy now, but at least I know I have a Savior that has my back.

One of the main issues, as always, is the enemy. His mischievous ways are always at work in our hearts, our lives and, of course, our marriages. He knows that as men, we are the Spiritual Leader and he wants nothing more that to cut us off at our ankles. Before I knew Christ personally, the enemy had his way with me. He could pretty much convince me of anything. I thought I had a good handle on life and common sense. I didn't think doing certain things was affecting me or my marriage, but I was so wrong. I was once told that the enemy knows me so well because he knows my father, he knows my Grandfather and so on. He has had centuries to study my geneology, the men who have come before me and either won or lost the battle against him. This idea was revolutionary to me. It changed the way I thought about the enemy and what he was actually capable of in my life. Accepting Christ was my armor. It was my way of suiting up and preparing for full battle. My eyes were opened and I could see the destruction he was causing in my heart, life and marriage. Instead of getting angry at my wife for things, I began to get angry with him. I would imagine myself in a situation like the movie Gladiator. It would be him and me, face to face, man to man. I could make the decision to give in and let him win again, or I could take a stand against him and fight for the truth. For the most part, the truth was always there if I fought back.

As I said, the struggles as a husband are still there, daily. But I wage war on the enemy and his evil schemes. Here are some of my battle tactics that I use against him....

Prayer

Christ is always there for us. Prayer doesn't have to be anything fancy, it has to be trust. Trust that Christ will bring you out of the situation and give you clarity to see the truth behind the situation. He never will give us more than we can handle. So just pray and pray some more.

 Be Aware

Understanding the forces against your marriage can help you in your battle, but you have to stay aware. When my wife and I have a disagreement, it is not the time to give up and run away. It's when you suit up and begin the war against the real enemy here. Stop. Re-focus. Pray. And resolve the situation with your wife. It usually isn't over something big anyway, he just makes it seem that way.

 Share

This is a great topic to share and discuss with your wife, men. Let her know the types of struggles and battles you face on a daily basis. It will help her better understand your heart and make want to help you in the fight. Have her join in with you in prayer. Remind her about the battle when disagreements arise. This is what the leader does and continues to do. There is no stopping point in this process.

 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32

A Husband's Responsibility

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

-I Corinthians 13:11

I do not have any children of my own yet, but I do get to watch them once and awhile and, of course, I use to be one myself. A child really has no responsibility but to grow and learn. These are things that come to a child through teaching. Where does the teaching come from? Well, I am glad you asked. 

In my opinion, Paul nails this verse right on everyone’s forehead, including ours today. When I was a child, it was all about me and what I wanted; if I did not get what I wanted, I threw a fit; much like most children still do. There is nothing really wrong with this, especially since we know that this is going to happen. But what happens when you start to grow up and life begins to get more interesting? You start to see the fruit or poison of your own decisions. You start to become a man. You start to learn how to accept responsibility! I understood the idea of responsibility pretty well in my late teens, but really only had a slight clue. I asked a beautiful woman to marry me in my early twenties and the true tests began. After being married for a couple years and quite frankly struggling, I had to ask a pivotal question. What is a husband’s responsibility?

PROTECT!

My wife and I had been dating for over 5 years before we said ‘I do’. We thought things would be smooth and easy. I’ve always considered myself to be a quick learner and thought the marriage process would go smooth. I had always felt a need to protect my wife, but not with a very strong desire. If she was bothering me or if we had a fight, that level of emotional protection would fall off the cliff quick. It was as though I held protection in my hands, but I was capable of dropping it or storing it away for awhile until we made up or I “liked” her again. But with the power of Christ behind me for over a year now, I can honestly say that my level of physical and emotional protection has gone beyond my imagination. The Lord will show you YOUR desires if you allow him to and as a husband He has shown me that my Desire to protect my wife should be always switched on. I can’t store it away when things go bad, I can’t use it against her. As the husband, it is my responsibility to protect her, no matter what.

SERVE!

The verse stated above again comes to mind with this subject. A child does not serve, they are served. It is our responsibility to serve our children by raising them in a Godly way. When I married my wife, I had no idea what ‘serve’ truly met. Serving each other in marriage is not about keeping score or a competition. It’s about doing what is right and good. It is about being a true man and stepping up to the position God has put you into as the Spiritual Leader. My first few years as a husband were more about me, thus I only did what I needed to match her. This only causes non-sense fights and bitter roots to start to form. God fathered me and revealed to me what it really means to serve. It means unwavering, it holds no score, it has no end, it has no relation to what she has or hasn’t done and it is the way Christ lived. Be a man who serves your wife and she will be more willing to respect you.

Have you found this to be true in your own marriage?

Our God is a God of process.

Be a Man of Responsibility!

A Husband's Eyes

Do not lust in your heart after her beauty 

   or let her captivate you with her eyes.

Proverbs 6:25

Before I was a married man, I did not really worry about my eyes and where they wandered. I wasn't married, so I didn't think it mattered if I looked at other women. I let my eyes move as they please and find what they liked. There are a few problems with this mentality though and I would like to dig into them a little further.

HABITS> Habits are nasty little things that we often do and get real comfortable with. Habits are one of the main topics when it comes to Manturity and truly handing over your life to Christ; and it's for good reason. Before your married men, this is what you do; it's what I did. The world and all of its "pleasures" are certainly of no help to us as we try to break these habits. From the music, to the movies to the people around us; there is no shortage of lustful influence. But you have to stop and think now. YOU'RE MARRIED! You're no longer that single guy with the busy eyes, and you're no longer available. You have to come to terms with this idea, the idea that you have handed over your heart to the woman of your dreams and she is to be your desire along with Christ. She is the one you are to want, to have and to love tirelessly though the good and bad. Nobody put the words of the VOWS in your mouth and forced you to speak them, you said them willingly and now you have to MAN UP and live up to them each and every day. Proverbs 6 is mentioned above and has many other great points though out the chapter. Give it a read and see where the verses fit into your life. Lust is a nasty thing that we men deal with and deal with we must. Re-access your habits, review your influence and check your desire. 

I had to have a major life check after I got married and realized I still struggled with some of these old habits. I had to learn that my eyes were for my wife and my wife only. I am not saying I am perfect at this process, but with the help of Christ and daily reminders, I am able to stay strong and watch myself more carefully. Challenge yourself if you are struggling in this area or know of other men who are and make it a point to defeat the darkness of lust. I have become a better man because of realizing my habits and a better husband to my wife! Explore your heart, ask Christ to show you where you need help and ready your heart for what He has to say. 

But a man who commits adultery has no sense; 

   whoever does so destroys himself.

Proverbs 6:32

A Husband's Role

As a follow up to the latest post 'Marriage Conference Man', I would like to review some key points from the conference with specific regards to the role of the husband. Ephesians 5:22-26 states the following, 'Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.' Verse 33 states 'Let each husband love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.'

I don't know about you, but these are some pretty powerful words! 'Love your wives, as Christ loved the Church?', 'Love your wife as yourself?', 'She is to respect you?'. These are some fairly tough concepts to swallow in today's world, because this is not what the world teaches or promotes. The world promotes relationships and marriage, but not the idea that the man should be a selfless leader and love his wife as HIMSELF. I think most people can agree that they really like themselves.

LOVE is a tough word for some men to get a handle on. Before I got married, I really did not understand love or think it would be that much of an issue. Of course, my wife was probably thinking the same way about respect. I have learned that if I want to be a good husband than I need to learn how to love my wife. This way of loving her could be spending extra time with her during the week, doing things you know that she likes, nurturing her, paying close attention to her and cherishing her. As manly as these things don't sound from reading them, I can tell you from experience that this is what makes your wife and your marriage come alive! These are some of the little things you can do to really show her that you truly and honestly care for her.

SELFLESSNESS is another way you show your wife that you love her. The verse above is pretty specific about 'loving your wife as yourself'. It does not say; love her about 50% of how much you love yourself. I'm pretty sure you love yourself 100% of the time. I would think it safe to say that you would not want to inflict pain on yourself, you would not want people to make fun of you, and you like to be treated like a HUMAN. That's right men; you have to remember that your wife is human, just like you. We make mistakes and your spouse will make mistakes and we have to remember that idea when times are tough. Christ was selfless in all that He did in His time here. He was always worried about the heart of the other person and strove to heal any wounds and hardships. This is the same way we need to be with our wives, we must love her and her heart. We must want the very best for her, as you would want for yourself. In my opinion better!

What are some of the most important 
role's of a husband in marriage?

Marriage Conference Man

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending and even co-hosting a marriage conference at our home Church. My wife and I were asked to assist a more "experienced" couple with the process a few months ago and we signed up. The conference was based on the material titled 'The Art of Marriage' from Family Life. It consisted of six sessions over a two day period; two sessions on Friday night and the remaining sessions during the day on Saturday.

Why would I go to a marriage conference?
Well, this is a great question. Early in my marriage and even up to a couple years ago, I would not have been a marriage conference 'type' man. I always thought they were a sign of weakness, like it was some kind of therapy session or counseling. I thought 'those things are for the couples in trouble, and we do not need it for our marriage'. Man, I can honestly say I was wrong, way wrong! A marriage conference or even a marriage class is not a sign of weakness, no; it is a sign of true strength and maturity in your marriage. These conferences are filled with great information, honest testimonies and challenging projects to make you really think about your marriage and what it means to you.

What does my wife think about me going?
She said the following 'It tells her that I CARE about our marriage and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I have as many tools in my box as possible. It shows her that I want our marriage to be great, strong and have a purpose. Overall, she loves spending the time together and applying the subjects to our marriage and situations.' In short men, even if you don't want to attend a conference, do it for you wife and you might actually come away with something you had not known or tried before. If you want to make here come alive, than this is a great way to show her that you, again, CARE!

How often do I do this conference thing?
My Church has a lot of great marriage programs and beliefs. One of the ideas we learned early on when we started attending was to attend a marriage conference EVERY year! Yes, every year! I don't know about you guys, but I have to attend monthly training meetings for my work. I have to study different books to make sure I am being as safe as possible and following the right codes at work. If I did not do this for my work, I would never move up in my company and never get a raise. These things that I want are INCENTIVES! Apply this same idea to your marriage. Attend a conference a once a year; join a marriage class like 'Love and Respect' or 'Love and War' with a small group. What are the incentives? Not a good marriage, but a great marriage. You will have been trained in forgiveness, in quality time, in conflict resolution and more importantly how to make up with your spouse and much more.

As my buddy would say 'Don't Slack Men'! Step up and be the Spiritual Leader you are called to be and attend a marriage conference with your spouse. Show your spouse that you really care and are willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage great!

Are you willing to be a Marriage Conference Man? 

The Spiritual Leader!

2010

Church wasn't on the schedule, it was an after thought. You see my wife came from a family where her Father was the spiritual leader and I came from a family where my Mother was the spiritual leader. How does that dynamic translate into marriage? Well for us, it meant confusion. We both grew up in the Church, so we thought going to Church would be easy after we got married. Well we both quickly found out that the process was not so easy. Due to the family structures, I would wait for her to mention something about church and she would wait for me to say something about church. I wasn't leading, I wasn't setting an example as the leader of the household, and I was being a coward.

Sunday morning would roll around, and although the church thing was on our mind, we would maybe ask each other if we were going to church or not. Sometimes one of us would say yes, sometimes we would decide not to go. We would even consider doing other things, like going out to breakfast or playing pool. We would try to find something to fill in the time slot, when in reality we knew we should have been at our Fathers house.

This back and forth process went on for some time. We really did not even have a specific church to go to. We would try a new church once and awhile, but we would complain about the way the pastor preached or complain about the people that we saw. How selfish. We finally found a new church online and checked it out one day. This church felt different and the people were really nice too. We met another young couple who invited us to attend a small group marriage class at the church. They were not pushy or condescending in any way, just friendly. We ended up going to the marriage class on a weekly basis, which by the way was 'Love and Respect'. Notice I did not say we were going to the regular church services. Although we did not know it yet, this class was great for our marriage but it was also a way to say we were at church without being, at church. The class helped us form new relationships and opened us up to the ideas that other couples our age were struggling and having to work hard to keep their marriage going on a strong and steady path. We were invited to go to service now and then, and we did, but only to satisfy the pressure from our piers. In a sense, we would go for all the wrong reasons.

2012

Notice my lack of leadership as the man of the house. Or should I say the 'Spiritual Leader' of the house. That's right men; you are the 'SPIRITUAL LEADER' of YOUR household. Your wife should not be waiting for you to make the decision about Sunday or your walk with Christ; you should be the one to have the decision made and your faith ESTABLISHED! Don't hesitate. I can't tell you exactly why I hesitated, but I did and I did it every week. This did not show my wife strength by any means, but rather showed my lack of leadership and ultimately my inability to make a solid decision as the husband. These issues are not only noticed in this situation, but become more pronounced with all of your other decisions. She will doubt you more often, and your role will become less and less important as she has to take on the role (your role). Think about it men. The less you take the lead, the more she will have to take the lead. You are setting your own self up for destruction of your personal confidence and your marriage. YOU are called to lead. YOU are called to serve. So Do It! This is your challenge and you had better take it serious! There is no question about who will lead my household, I am the husband, I will!

READ EPHESIANS 5:21-33

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. -1 Corinthians 11:3