Engine on, Car in Gear, JUST DRIVE!

Frustrated, tired, bitter and angry; I got up from the couch, grabbed my keys and headed out the door. My wife left on the couch crying, screaming or whatever.

Engine on, car in gear, just drive... (far away)

This was my "solution"; this was my way out. Spinning conversations about the same issues, and the same problems that we fought about every month were just not tolerable anymore. I would stare out the front windshield with intensity, wondering why I ever got married. The thought of her pain or what she was still doing was far from my care or mind. I didn't even know where I was headed; I just wanted to get away. Some solution.

If this scenario sounds familiar in your marriage, you're not alone brothers; it use to be common or better yet habitual in my marriage. Thankfully this doesn't take place in my marriage anymore, but it was the way of communication early on. This was never discussed in my pre-marriage classes and I honestly knew no better.

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Typically ignited by something miniscule or just plain stupid, issues can erupt in our marriages in a matter of minutes. Away from the marriage we call this behavior pride and selfishness. Before having a place together and having the "joy" of seeing each other on a daily basis, these types of fights were dismissed or you could just simply head back to your place and wait out the bitterness. Although now you have to face them head on, you have to face them together. The long and far drive in the heat of the moment was never, and still is never, the answer.

Engine off, car in park, walk back in... (and stay)

Before you say I do, just after you say "I do" or if this type fight happened last night. Make it a point to talk about communication in your marriage with your wife. This is best done over a nice meal or on a calm walk one day. Be the leader gentlemen; gas is too expensive to take off on long, middle of the night drives all the time. But seriously gents, take the initiative in your marriage to figure out how to communicate. 

1. Quit pointing fingers at each other and look at yourself first.
2. Listen to what each other has to say and interpret back immediately!
3. We speak in blue, she speaks in pink. Learn what I mean HERE.
4. Learn to work together, not AGAINST each other.
5. Be the SPIRITUAL LEADER and pray together over your marriage!

Marriage is awesome and can be awesome again if you want it to be. I'd love to hear about your "long midnight drive" experience or something similar in the comments below. Men need to know and hear that the hard times in marriage are common, but there are bright lights at the end of the tunnels. 

A Husband Cleaves

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, 
and shall CLEAVE unto his wife: 

and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

This is an interesting topic for today's culture. First of all, the word cleave is not a common word anymore therefore is not very well known. The Bible refers to this word in two different forms, which are to separate or to join. I thought this was an interesting pairing, but learned that they kind of work together. Some other similar words are: unite, draw together, joined or glued. This idea of cleaving was brought up in the first book of the Old Testament, but it was also brought up again in the first book of the New Testament. Mathew 19 reads; "at the beginning God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his Father and Mother and be UNITED to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. They are no longer two, but one. What God has joined together, let no man separate."

Where to start? Being a man in my late twenties, I have seen the breakdown of the twenty something male. I have men in my family and know friends that seem to be forever in their teens. They depend on Mom and Dad to support them, house them and feed them. Most parents appear to have no problem with this because it is happening more and more. The problem is the boy never becomes, a man. He becomes so dependent on his parents that he does not grow up, he does not mature and he does not become "husband" material. 

My personal experience occurred in my own marriage. I had, and still have, a great relationship with my mother. One of the things that helped me was that I moved away from home for college and moved farther away from home after college. I got married shortly after college and moved in with my lovely wife. I didn't understand why there was this underground tension between my wife and my mother. Every time my mother called or needed something I would jump on it. I thought this was of no issue, but my wife always had an issue with these occurrences. This would inevitably cause a fight to break out and things would go down hill from there. I didn't understand why this kept happening. Don't get me wrong, you should maintain a healthy relationship with your mother, but you are now a married man and your responsibility is now to be aimed at your wife. She is the one you need to start to confide in; she is the one you need to talk to things about and she is the one who needs to learn to support you. I had to learn this early on in my marriage and I'm glad that I did, because it saved our marriage a lot of heartache. When I heard the verses above and really understood the meaning of them, it changed the way I treat my mother and my wife. It changed my marriage. 

Ultimately this idea applies to both partners. Both spouses need to get use to the idea of depending on each other rather than their parents. This is not the easiest thing to accomplish, especially early on in marriage, but is absolutely essential. It will teach you and your spouse work out issues together, make big decisions together and make you a stronger couple.  

Are you willing to be a husband or wife that cleaves?

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This post was also featured at
'HeartstoneJourney.com'! 

A Husband's Struggle

A husband loves.

A husband serves.

A husband protects.

A husband is selfless.

A husband watches his eyes.

A husband struggles?

In my journey to become a better man and greater husband, there are still struggles along the way. I have to say though; I would rather slightly struggle in my walk with God, than struggle in life without him. Before I asked God to truly be in my life and in my marriage, life was hard. It was confusing, challenging and a constant battle. Not to say that life is easy now, but at least I know I have a Savior that has my back.

One of the main issues, as always, is the enemy. His mischievous ways are always at work in our hearts, our lives and, of course, our marriages. He knows that as men, we are the Spiritual Leader and he wants nothing more that to cut us off at our ankles. Before I knew Christ personally, the enemy had his way with me. He could pretty much convince me of anything. I thought I had a good handle on life and common sense. I didn't think doing certain things was affecting me or my marriage, but I was so wrong. I was once told that the enemy knows me so well because he knows my father, he knows my Grandfather and so on. He has had centuries to study my geneology, the men who have come before me and either won or lost the battle against him. This idea was revolutionary to me. It changed the way I thought about the enemy and what he was actually capable of in my life. Accepting Christ was my armor. It was my way of suiting up and preparing for full battle. My eyes were opened and I could see the destruction he was causing in my heart, life and marriage. Instead of getting angry at my wife for things, I began to get angry with him. I would imagine myself in a situation like the movie Gladiator. It would be him and me, face to face, man to man. I could make the decision to give in and let him win again, or I could take a stand against him and fight for the truth. For the most part, the truth was always there if I fought back.

As I said, the struggles as a husband are still there, daily. But I wage war on the enemy and his evil schemes. Here are some of my battle tactics that I use against him....

Prayer

Christ is always there for us. Prayer doesn't have to be anything fancy, it has to be trust. Trust that Christ will bring you out of the situation and give you clarity to see the truth behind the situation. He never will give us more than we can handle. So just pray and pray some more.

 Be Aware

Understanding the forces against your marriage can help you in your battle, but you have to stay aware. When my wife and I have a disagreement, it is not the time to give up and run away. It's when you suit up and begin the war against the real enemy here. Stop. Re-focus. Pray. And resolve the situation with your wife. It usually isn't over something big anyway, he just makes it seem that way.

 Share

This is a great topic to share and discuss with your wife, men. Let her know the types of struggles and battles you face on a daily basis. It will help her better understand your heart and make want to help you in the fight. Have her join in with you in prayer. Remind her about the battle when disagreements arise. This is what the leader does and continues to do. There is no stopping point in this process.

 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32

A Husband's Responsibility

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

-I Corinthians 13:11

I do not have any children of my own yet, but I do get to watch them once and awhile and, of course, I use to be one myself. A child really has no responsibility but to grow and learn. These are things that come to a child through teaching. Where does the teaching come from? Well, I am glad you asked. 

In my opinion, Paul nails this verse right on everyone’s forehead, including ours today. When I was a child, it was all about me and what I wanted; if I did not get what I wanted, I threw a fit; much like most children still do. There is nothing really wrong with this, especially since we know that this is going to happen. But what happens when you start to grow up and life begins to get more interesting? You start to see the fruit or poison of your own decisions. You start to become a man. You start to learn how to accept responsibility! I understood the idea of responsibility pretty well in my late teens, but really only had a slight clue. I asked a beautiful woman to marry me in my early twenties and the true tests began. After being married for a couple years and quite frankly struggling, I had to ask a pivotal question. What is a husband’s responsibility?

PROTECT!

My wife and I had been dating for over 5 years before we said ‘I do’. We thought things would be smooth and easy. I’ve always considered myself to be a quick learner and thought the marriage process would go smooth. I had always felt a need to protect my wife, but not with a very strong desire. If she was bothering me or if we had a fight, that level of emotional protection would fall off the cliff quick. It was as though I held protection in my hands, but I was capable of dropping it or storing it away for awhile until we made up or I “liked” her again. But with the power of Christ behind me for over a year now, I can honestly say that my level of physical and emotional protection has gone beyond my imagination. The Lord will show you YOUR desires if you allow him to and as a husband He has shown me that my Desire to protect my wife should be always switched on. I can’t store it away when things go bad, I can’t use it against her. As the husband, it is my responsibility to protect her, no matter what.

SERVE!

The verse stated above again comes to mind with this subject. A child does not serve, they are served. It is our responsibility to serve our children by raising them in a Godly way. When I married my wife, I had no idea what ‘serve’ truly met. Serving each other in marriage is not about keeping score or a competition. It’s about doing what is right and good. It is about being a true man and stepping up to the position God has put you into as the Spiritual Leader. My first few years as a husband were more about me, thus I only did what I needed to match her. This only causes non-sense fights and bitter roots to start to form. God fathered me and revealed to me what it really means to serve. It means unwavering, it holds no score, it has no end, it has no relation to what she has or hasn’t done and it is the way Christ lived. Be a man who serves your wife and she will be more willing to respect you.

Have you found this to be true in your own marriage?

Our God is a God of process.

Be a Man of Responsibility!

A Husband's Role

As a follow up to the latest post 'Marriage Conference Man', I would like to review some key points from the conference with specific regards to the role of the husband. Ephesians 5:22-26 states the following, 'Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.' Verse 33 states 'Let each husband love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.'

I don't know about you, but these are some pretty powerful words! 'Love your wives, as Christ loved the Church?', 'Love your wife as yourself?', 'She is to respect you?'. These are some fairly tough concepts to swallow in today's world, because this is not what the world teaches or promotes. The world promotes relationships and marriage, but not the idea that the man should be a selfless leader and love his wife as HIMSELF. I think most people can agree that they really like themselves.

LOVE is a tough word for some men to get a handle on. Before I got married, I really did not understand love or think it would be that much of an issue. Of course, my wife was probably thinking the same way about respect. I have learned that if I want to be a good husband than I need to learn how to love my wife. This way of loving her could be spending extra time with her during the week, doing things you know that she likes, nurturing her, paying close attention to her and cherishing her. As manly as these things don't sound from reading them, I can tell you from experience that this is what makes your wife and your marriage come alive! These are some of the little things you can do to really show her that you truly and honestly care for her.

SELFLESSNESS is another way you show your wife that you love her. The verse above is pretty specific about 'loving your wife as yourself'. It does not say; love her about 50% of how much you love yourself. I'm pretty sure you love yourself 100% of the time. I would think it safe to say that you would not want to inflict pain on yourself, you would not want people to make fun of you, and you like to be treated like a HUMAN. That's right men; you have to remember that your wife is human, just like you. We make mistakes and your spouse will make mistakes and we have to remember that idea when times are tough. Christ was selfless in all that He did in His time here. He was always worried about the heart of the other person and strove to heal any wounds and hardships. This is the same way we need to be with our wives, we must love her and her heart. We must want the very best for her, as you would want for yourself. In my opinion better!

What are some of the most important 
role's of a husband in marriage?

Marriage Conference Man

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending and even co-hosting a marriage conference at our home Church. My wife and I were asked to assist a more "experienced" couple with the process a few months ago and we signed up. The conference was based on the material titled 'The Art of Marriage' from Family Life. It consisted of six sessions over a two day period; two sessions on Friday night and the remaining sessions during the day on Saturday.

Why would I go to a marriage conference?
Well, this is a great question. Early in my marriage and even up to a couple years ago, I would not have been a marriage conference 'type' man. I always thought they were a sign of weakness, like it was some kind of therapy session or counseling. I thought 'those things are for the couples in trouble, and we do not need it for our marriage'. Man, I can honestly say I was wrong, way wrong! A marriage conference or even a marriage class is not a sign of weakness, no; it is a sign of true strength and maturity in your marriage. These conferences are filled with great information, honest testimonies and challenging projects to make you really think about your marriage and what it means to you.

What does my wife think about me going?
She said the following 'It tells her that I CARE about our marriage and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I have as many tools in my box as possible. It shows her that I want our marriage to be great, strong and have a purpose. Overall, she loves spending the time together and applying the subjects to our marriage and situations.' In short men, even if you don't want to attend a conference, do it for you wife and you might actually come away with something you had not known or tried before. If you want to make here come alive, than this is a great way to show her that you, again, CARE!

How often do I do this conference thing?
My Church has a lot of great marriage programs and beliefs. One of the ideas we learned early on when we started attending was to attend a marriage conference EVERY year! Yes, every year! I don't know about you guys, but I have to attend monthly training meetings for my work. I have to study different books to make sure I am being as safe as possible and following the right codes at work. If I did not do this for my work, I would never move up in my company and never get a raise. These things that I want are INCENTIVES! Apply this same idea to your marriage. Attend a conference a once a year; join a marriage class like 'Love and Respect' or 'Love and War' with a small group. What are the incentives? Not a good marriage, but a great marriage. You will have been trained in forgiveness, in quality time, in conflict resolution and more importantly how to make up with your spouse and much more.

As my buddy would say 'Don't Slack Men'! Step up and be the Spiritual Leader you are called to be and attend a marriage conference with your spouse. Show your spouse that you really care and are willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage great!

Are you willing to be a Marriage Conference Man?