5 Tones of A Husband

Before my wife and I got married, we dated for about six years. Overall we had good communication, but we still had our issues here and there. After a few years of dating, we were hanging out at a little fair one night and our communication started to fail and the night started to get real sour, real quick. As she shut down more and more, I wondered what in the world I was going to do. Do I shut down? Do we call it a night and try to forget about this night ever happened? What do I do?

It was late and the night was already at its end, but I wanted to make her feel better somehow. We sat down on a lonely bench and didn't speak. I had won her a small, stuffed animal frog from a game earlier in the night; when things were going a little smoother of course. I'm not sure how it came to me, but I grabbed the frog and started speaking in a really cute, high pitched voice. I used the stuffed frog as the "decoy" and used this voice as my weapon of choice. After a few minutes of talking in this funny voice, she slowly started to smile. With a "win" in sight, I continued to pursue her. Within another few minutes she was laughing, the frog was a success and the voice became a favorite. God was truly looking out for me that night.

To this very day, almost 10 years later, I still use this voice as a way to make my wife laugh and win her over in "sketchy" situations. I'm not sure where the frog ended up though...


The main point is that we all have a tone. There are various tones that we can use to make each other happy, sad or angry. As your marriage progresses in years, these tones and our attitudes should mature so that we know when to use certain ones and when not to use others. With this in mind, I thought I would break down a Husband's tone into five categories. Feel free to add your own type of tones that has worked or not worked in your marriage in the comments.


Here are the 5 Tones of a Husband

The Regular
We know this voice as our "regular" voice. This is the tone that most people know us best by, the one you use the most and the one your wife probably likes the best. What do I mean "likes the best"? I can tell you that in any situation that requires a real discussion, my wife hates to hear me use any voice other then my regular tone. She doesn't want me to be funny, she doesn't need sarcasm, she wants the real me. Most of the time I will try the funny tone, but I will be quickly told, "I'm being serious"! I make the switch back quickly.

Remember that your regular Tone is the best extension of who you are; it is the most sincere, it is the most honest and it is the most trustworthy. Since we tend to use it the most, we must make sure we use it properly and protect its rights. Would you agree that your "regular tone" is your wife's favorite?
These are important points to remember as we start to explore the other tone options.

The Funny
This tone goes back to the story at the top of this post. I never planned on having this tone in my playbook, but God had other plans. I love to use this tone around my wife when we are messing around, having fun or if I get caught doing something stupid. This voice is a great way to get you out of sticky situations; at least it has been for me.

The real trick with this tone is confidence. Besides pulling this voice out for the occasional family member, this voice is specifically meant for my wife; although, I can see my four month old enjoying it in the near future. Don't be embarrassed when using this tone around her. This tone is meant to lighten up situations, to create some laughter in the marriage and keep you and your wife happy. Happy wife, happy life. Right gentlemen?

The Whisper
I call this the "whisper", but this can also be your soft tone. This tone is most often seen and used when your wife is having a bad day, when you walk up behind her and tell her how much you love her and of course in "intimate" moments. This is another tone that may require some confidence and experience. This tone most likely will pass on the feelings of love to your wife. Expressing LOVE to your wife in your tone is very important in your marriage relationship. She needs to hear this tone and the feelings that come from you along with it.

Men, don't be afraid to use this! There are numerous opportunities to use this tone, with these being a few of them. Get home from work, walk in the door, wrap your arms around her and whisper how much you love her. She prepped dinner for you, you ate it, you walk up behind her and tell her softly how much you loved the food and appreciate the effort she put into it. These are just a few quick ideas; I'll leave you to figure out more... The trick is softer than your regular tone, and more serious than your funny tone. Is the whisper tone in your arsenal?

The Angry
Yes, the angry tone. I would vouch to say that all men have this tone and are unfortunately quite good at using it. The question is do we know how to handle and maintain this tone? Upon first getting married, my wife and I found ourselves amongst a few heated battles. I had very little idea of how much damage my angry tone could affect her. The tone has a much deeper growl, usually followed up with intense eye and eyebrow action, and firm body language. This is far, far from the whisper tone and does not speak love.

This tone really doesn't take much confidence to pull off; in fact it's probably easy for you to do. Maybe, too easy. This one on the other hand takes maturity and self control. A man needs to learn what his trigger points are and discuss these points with his wife. It will also help if the wife doesn't intentionally set off those points. When these heavier emotions and tones are shifted into high hear, a man needs to quickly learn to gain control and tone down the situation. Realize that the REGULAR tone may be better suited until the situation can get under control. Are you able to control your angry tone?

The Silent
Yes, I titled this last tone as the "silent" tone. It's amazing that the worst tone a man could possibly use in marriage is, well, no tone at all. In a sense, this tone is a step above the "angry". This tone tends to come into play when a husband feels ultimately disrespected and no longer thinks his words matter in the situation. What tends to come from this? More silence. A husband could take this tone and go for days and days without speaking to his wife in any way or legitimate form. Sure hi's and bye's make it, but the depth is gone. This tone can be just damaging to a marriage, when just a real conversation in your regular tone could start the process of resolution.

I struggled with this tone a ton early in my marriage. I would do something wrong, my wife and I would go at it; I would bite my lip and listen. After my lip was sore and the conversation moved nowhere, I'd enter into silent mode and be stuck there for weeks. Men, this is not resolution and accomplishes nothing. Man up, speak up and lead your marriage to resolution. Can you relate to the Silent tone?


The 5 Tones of a Husband. What do you think?

Can you relate to each of these tones in your marriage? 

Share another tone or a situation in your own marriage!

photo credit: © itestro - Fotolia.com

A Husband's Eyes

Do not lust in your heart after her beauty 

   or let her captivate you with her eyes.

Proverbs 6:25

Before I was a married man, I did not really worry about my eyes and where they wandered. I wasn't married, so I didn't think it mattered if I looked at other women. I let my eyes move as they please and find what they liked. There are a few problems with this mentality though and I would like to dig into them a little further.

HABITS> Habits are nasty little things that we often do and get real comfortable with. Habits are one of the main topics when it comes to Manturity and truly handing over your life to Christ; and it's for good reason. Before your married men, this is what you do; it's what I did. The world and all of its "pleasures" are certainly of no help to us as we try to break these habits. From the music, to the movies to the people around us; there is no shortage of lustful influence. But you have to stop and think now. YOU'RE MARRIED! You're no longer that single guy with the busy eyes, and you're no longer available. You have to come to terms with this idea, the idea that you have handed over your heart to the woman of your dreams and she is to be your desire along with Christ. She is the one you are to want, to have and to love tirelessly though the good and bad. Nobody put the words of the VOWS in your mouth and forced you to speak them, you said them willingly and now you have to MAN UP and live up to them each and every day. Proverbs 6 is mentioned above and has many other great points though out the chapter. Give it a read and see where the verses fit into your life. Lust is a nasty thing that we men deal with and deal with we must. Re-access your habits, review your influence and check your desire. 

I had to have a major life check after I got married and realized I still struggled with some of these old habits. I had to learn that my eyes were for my wife and my wife only. I am not saying I am perfect at this process, but with the help of Christ and daily reminders, I am able to stay strong and watch myself more carefully. Challenge yourself if you are struggling in this area or know of other men who are and make it a point to defeat the darkness of lust. I have become a better man because of realizing my habits and a better husband to my wife! Explore your heart, ask Christ to show you where you need help and ready your heart for what He has to say. 

But a man who commits adultery has no sense; 

   whoever does so destroys himself.

Proverbs 6:32

A Husband's Role

As a follow up to the latest post 'Marriage Conference Man', I would like to review some key points from the conference with specific regards to the role of the husband. Ephesians 5:22-26 states the following, 'Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.' Verse 33 states 'Let each husband love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.'

I don't know about you, but these are some pretty powerful words! 'Love your wives, as Christ loved the Church?', 'Love your wife as yourself?', 'She is to respect you?'. These are some fairly tough concepts to swallow in today's world, because this is not what the world teaches or promotes. The world promotes relationships and marriage, but not the idea that the man should be a selfless leader and love his wife as HIMSELF. I think most people can agree that they really like themselves.

LOVE is a tough word for some men to get a handle on. Before I got married, I really did not understand love or think it would be that much of an issue. Of course, my wife was probably thinking the same way about respect. I have learned that if I want to be a good husband than I need to learn how to love my wife. This way of loving her could be spending extra time with her during the week, doing things you know that she likes, nurturing her, paying close attention to her and cherishing her. As manly as these things don't sound from reading them, I can tell you from experience that this is what makes your wife and your marriage come alive! These are some of the little things you can do to really show her that you truly and honestly care for her.

SELFLESSNESS is another way you show your wife that you love her. The verse above is pretty specific about 'loving your wife as yourself'. It does not say; love her about 50% of how much you love yourself. I'm pretty sure you love yourself 100% of the time. I would think it safe to say that you would not want to inflict pain on yourself, you would not want people to make fun of you, and you like to be treated like a HUMAN. That's right men; you have to remember that your wife is human, just like you. We make mistakes and your spouse will make mistakes and we have to remember that idea when times are tough. Christ was selfless in all that He did in His time here. He was always worried about the heart of the other person and strove to heal any wounds and hardships. This is the same way we need to be with our wives, we must love her and her heart. We must want the very best for her, as you would want for yourself. In my opinion better!

What are some of the most important 
role's of a husband in marriage?

Marriage Conference Man

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending and even co-hosting a marriage conference at our home Church. My wife and I were asked to assist a more "experienced" couple with the process a few months ago and we signed up. The conference was based on the material titled 'The Art of Marriage' from Family Life. It consisted of six sessions over a two day period; two sessions on Friday night and the remaining sessions during the day on Saturday.

Why would I go to a marriage conference?
Well, this is a great question. Early in my marriage and even up to a couple years ago, I would not have been a marriage conference 'type' man. I always thought they were a sign of weakness, like it was some kind of therapy session or counseling. I thought 'those things are for the couples in trouble, and we do not need it for our marriage'. Man, I can honestly say I was wrong, way wrong! A marriage conference or even a marriage class is not a sign of weakness, no; it is a sign of true strength and maturity in your marriage. These conferences are filled with great information, honest testimonies and challenging projects to make you really think about your marriage and what it means to you.

What does my wife think about me going?
She said the following 'It tells her that I CARE about our marriage and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I have as many tools in my box as possible. It shows her that I want our marriage to be great, strong and have a purpose. Overall, she loves spending the time together and applying the subjects to our marriage and situations.' In short men, even if you don't want to attend a conference, do it for you wife and you might actually come away with something you had not known or tried before. If you want to make here come alive, than this is a great way to show her that you, again, CARE!

How often do I do this conference thing?
My Church has a lot of great marriage programs and beliefs. One of the ideas we learned early on when we started attending was to attend a marriage conference EVERY year! Yes, every year! I don't know about you guys, but I have to attend monthly training meetings for my work. I have to study different books to make sure I am being as safe as possible and following the right codes at work. If I did not do this for my work, I would never move up in my company and never get a raise. These things that I want are INCENTIVES! Apply this same idea to your marriage. Attend a conference a once a year; join a marriage class like 'Love and Respect' or 'Love and War' with a small group. What are the incentives? Not a good marriage, but a great marriage. You will have been trained in forgiveness, in quality time, in conflict resolution and more importantly how to make up with your spouse and much more.

As my buddy would say 'Don't Slack Men'! Step up and be the Spiritual Leader you are called to be and attend a marriage conference with your spouse. Show your spouse that you really care and are willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage great!

Are you willing to be a Marriage Conference Man? 

The Spiritual Leader!

2010

Church wasn't on the schedule, it was an after thought. You see my wife came from a family where her Father was the spiritual leader and I came from a family where my Mother was the spiritual leader. How does that dynamic translate into marriage? Well for us, it meant confusion. We both grew up in the Church, so we thought going to Church would be easy after we got married. Well we both quickly found out that the process was not so easy. Due to the family structures, I would wait for her to mention something about church and she would wait for me to say something about church. I wasn't leading, I wasn't setting an example as the leader of the household, and I was being a coward.

Sunday morning would roll around, and although the church thing was on our mind, we would maybe ask each other if we were going to church or not. Sometimes one of us would say yes, sometimes we would decide not to go. We would even consider doing other things, like going out to breakfast or playing pool. We would try to find something to fill in the time slot, when in reality we knew we should have been at our Fathers house.

This back and forth process went on for some time. We really did not even have a specific church to go to. We would try a new church once and awhile, but we would complain about the way the pastor preached or complain about the people that we saw. How selfish. We finally found a new church online and checked it out one day. This church felt different and the people were really nice too. We met another young couple who invited us to attend a small group marriage class at the church. They were not pushy or condescending in any way, just friendly. We ended up going to the marriage class on a weekly basis, which by the way was 'Love and Respect'. Notice I did not say we were going to the regular church services. Although we did not know it yet, this class was great for our marriage but it was also a way to say we were at church without being, at church. The class helped us form new relationships and opened us up to the ideas that other couples our age were struggling and having to work hard to keep their marriage going on a strong and steady path. We were invited to go to service now and then, and we did, but only to satisfy the pressure from our piers. In a sense, we would go for all the wrong reasons.

2012

Notice my lack of leadership as the man of the house. Or should I say the 'Spiritual Leader' of the house. That's right men; you are the 'SPIRITUAL LEADER' of YOUR household. Your wife should not be waiting for you to make the decision about Sunday or your walk with Christ; you should be the one to have the decision made and your faith ESTABLISHED! Don't hesitate. I can't tell you exactly why I hesitated, but I did and I did it every week. This did not show my wife strength by any means, but rather showed my lack of leadership and ultimately my inability to make a solid decision as the husband. These issues are not only noticed in this situation, but become more pronounced with all of your other decisions. She will doubt you more often, and your role will become less and less important as she has to take on the role (your role). Think about it men. The less you take the lead, the more she will have to take the lead. You are setting your own self up for destruction of your personal confidence and your marriage. YOU are called to lead. YOU are called to serve. So Do It! This is your challenge and you had better take it serious! There is no question about who will lead my household, I am the husband, I will!

READ EPHESIANS 5:21-33

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. -1 Corinthians 11:3

'Love and War' Book Review

My wife and I have had the pleasure of reading and teaching from a wonderful marriage book titled 'Love and War'. The authors of the book are John and Stasi Eldredge. John is well known for his popular book titled 'Wild at Heart' and for his new book 'Beautiful Outlaw'.

'Love and War' is a very real and down to earth marriage book. The Eldredge's have been married for a long time and have had some hard times over the years. But through it all, they have come away with some great insight for all other marriages. They speak from experience and from the heart in this book.

Right away the book gets into the idea of Desire. In order to have a great marriage or re-gain control of our marriages, we have to have desire, desire to want the best for each other, a desire to always love each other and know that this marriage is for the long haul. The next chapters get into what they like to call the 'perfect storms', this more or less talks about opposites and how they attract. The opposite part in our spouse is a way that God uses the differences in your partner to make your marriage stronger and make you a better person. One of my favorite chapters is titled 'Sharing an Adventure'. It is so important for couples to not just be married partners, but friends. Get out once and awhile, go crazy and take some dancing classes (I think this is coming up on the schedule for us). Schedule a great vacation and be intentional about it. Take a walk once a week together and enjoy the wonderful nature that God has created. This is essential. The Eldredge's bring a very real portrait into the book when they talk about our marriage having an enemy, and it is not our spouse, seriously. Marriage is one of the unions that the Enemy is out to destroy. We see it all over our culture today and it seems to only be getting worse. If we can hear and talk to God, than we have to take the other monologue into play. The enemy will step in at the most opportune times and say definitives like "She is never going to change" or "He will always be like that". Definitives or agreements are marriage killers and we have to protect ourselves and our marriage from those type of words and thoughts.

On top of just having some great material in the book to read about, the Eldredge's have made a few items that go along with the book for small groups at Church or Home. My wife and I have actually facilitated a few group classes on the 'Love and War' material and have had a great response. Here are some easy links to some of the great tools that go along with this powerful book.

- 8 week DVD series  Watch a video each week in your group.

- Love and War Participant's Guide  Use this to stir some great conversation!

- Love and War Devotional for couples  This takes five minutes! It's a great tool for your marriage.

Overall, this is a fantastic book. I would highly recommend reading this book with your spouse. Take the initiative also to see if your Church has the 'Love and War' small group or facilitate a class by yourself or with your spouse!

 

Have you read? I would love to hear your thoughts! 

Desire in Marriage

As a man, I want to love her, but do I really know how to love her? Especially when times are difficult?

Before we get married, we are one separate being. We do things our own way and we desire the things in life that are pleasing and helping to ourselves. Before I said, 'I do', all I was use to saying was 'I want'. What I mean by this is that I did what I wanted. I didn't have to "do" too many things against my nature. When my wife and I were dating, the times together were free and very forgiving. We were able to look past the little quirks, the little things that actually annoyed us a lot. The only thing we wanted was to be together, but does anyone ever really know what their asking for when they take this step? Truth be told, God does and its all part of His plan. All these differences we find in our partner are actually things that will help us, as individuals, become a stronger and better person.

When we tied the knot, we said 'I do'. I DO promise to love you, I DO promise to take care of you, I DO promise to stay with you through the good and bad. I DO promise to desire you. The way we desired that person before is not going to be enough to make the marriage work and last. God has put the desire in us to find this special someone, but we ultimately don't know why. As we find out the different things about each other, we start to take a step back. What is that anger about? I never did things like that growing up! Who are you? The simple desires that brought us together have started to fade into the fog. We get caught up in the storms of life and we start to lose hope. In other words we lose our desire for that person.

The bottom line is we have to think about the desires that brought us together. We have to focus on the desires that keep us together now. And finally the desire to move forward together and get past the little issues. As John and Stasi Eldredge  write in their book 'Love & War'. "Because marriage is hard, the first great battle it to not lose heart. We must recover and maintain desire. Let desire return and remind you of all that you wanted, all that you were created for. "

How have you maintained desire in your marriage?

Understanding Desire

In previous posts, we discussed some of the false desires of the world. We talked about how we can discover desire and the pressure the world puts on our desires. Believe it or not, things like movies, shows, commercials, cars and more are all made to capture our desire. Advertisers understand the word and quietly build it into their branding.

If you have started to truly understand desire from God’s point of view. You will start to feel a shift in what you desire in the world. In a sense, the “desires” of this world will start to lose their luster. What you once thought was so amazing, has now been downgraded. For example; theme parks, certain hobbies, habits. Why is this? Because God is starting to reveal to you your true desires. (Psalm 37:4) You are now in a position with God that He is able to reveal your desires to you. You are trustworthy enough. As you make this shift, the desires of this world will no longer have a stronghold on you. I like to refer to bible verse for this which says ‘I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh’, Ezekiel 36:26 (NIV). Because you have delighted yourself in the Lord, he has given you a new perspective. A new outlook on the way you see and do life. And it’s good!

As I started to understand desire and realize the true desires of my heart. The meaningless things of this world started to really become meaningless (Ecclesiastes 12:8). I still enjoy going to theme parks, racing and building things for people (I do carpentry for fun). But the thing that matters most now is the people I am there with; whether its building relationships with family, making friends that enjoy similar hobbies, or seeing someone smile from a finished product. Another desire that becomes stronger is your marriage. Culture says it’s fine to look at other women and it’s alright to “search the internet”. But the truth is we are to desire our wife more than any other woman. She deserves our attention and our love. My marriage has been fundamentally transformed by God. When we allowed Him in, He revealed our desire for each other. Since then our marriage hasn't been the same and we never want to go back to the old ways. It's just that good.  Finally, your desire is focused on what God would have you desire. You are no longer attached to what the enemy tries to make you desire, although he will still tempt you. Pray for God to reveal to you the desires He has for you. Pray that your desire would never stray again!

Have you experienced true desire? Have you been given a new heart and Spirit?

Marriage Conference Day #2

This morning was the second day of Dr. Gary Chapman's marriage conference at the West End Assembly of God, in Richmond, Va. Yesterday he talked about 'The Five Love Languages' and the 'Five Languages of Apology'.

Todays critical marriage information was based out of his book 'The Marriage You've Always Wanted'. The main topic of the book is focused toward communication in our marriage. Communication is a necessity for a great marriage! Since we know ourself better than anyone else, we have to communicate what we like and don't like to our spouse.

Communication has to be a two way street in a marriage. This means a few things. We must be able to talk comfortably with each other. We must be able to clearly express what we are trying to say. And we must listen when the other person is talking. Are you listening yet? :) Sometimes its even a great idea to express your thoughts and have the other person paraphrase those thoughts back to you. This way you know your getting the right message across. Assuming is never a good idea.

We also discussed the topic of sex. Sex was created by God, and He even said it was very good. Notice that all the other days were good, but the day that male and female were created were really good. The culture has really taken its toll on this topic, but the Bible is very clear on the specifics of sex. Overall marriages need to keep a positive attitude on sex and keep the lines of communication open in this area. This should be an incentive to read the paragraph on communication again. Still listening?

Finally, we need to realize that marriage is a ministry. As Christ came to serve, so we need to serve. And we need to serve our spouse. The conference and the book go into a lot more detail on these subjects and many more. The experience was great and I would recommend this conference or any other marriage conference to married couples. Love accepts many imperfections. Thoughts?

Check out more information on Dr. Gary Chapman and his ministries.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Marriage Conference Day #1

Tonight was the first part of the marriage conference. The speaker was Dr. Gary Chapman, and the topics were the books 'The Five Love Languages' and 'The Five Languages of Apology'.

I know what your thinking, what is wrong with our marriage that we would need to go to a marriage conference. Well believe it or not, our marriage is stronger than it ever has been and continues to get stronger. But we can all learn new things about ourselves, our spouse, our marriage and God. So, as a couple, we take full advantage of marriage conferences and/or marriage classes.

The first topic of the night was based on 'The Five Love Languages'. The idea with the languages is that we all love in different ways. We mostly learn how to love from our parents. We would watch how they would talk to each other, do things for each other and just spend time together. When we finally find the love of our life, we have to learn the love language of our partner. Now, the first couple years may go great because of our young love. But after that time passes, we need to start to really learn about each other. We need to learn our spouses love language. The languages are these: Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Discover which of these languages speaks most to your spouse and watch the transformation take place. Gary Chapman did a great job explaining these categories at the conference tonight, and goes into even more detail in the love languages book.

The other topic was 'The Five Languages of Apology'. Just as we grew up into a type of love language, we also grew up learning how to apologize. Apologizing is not the easiest thing to do, but is essential for our marriage to grow. Men must understand this even more as we tend to see apologizing as a sign of weakness. Most men grew up this way watching their Father, or have adjusted to the culture or male stereotype. What we don't realize is that apology is powerful and affective. As a couple we both have say sorry or admit we were wrong sometimes. None of us are perfect and we need to get this apology subject figured out for when we screw up. Notice I did not say 'if' you screw up, but 'when'. Gary Chapman has a book dedicated to learning these apology languages. I enjoyed hearing him speak about them and look forward to reading the book.

Tomorrow is day two of the conference. Check out these books when you get a chance. If you have read one or both of them, leave a comment and your thoughts. Thanks!

More information! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/